Are you honest? Changing the face of Motherhood

e7o3x51443121862AAs human beings we tend to compare ourselves with others and assume that other people are more sorted, stable or capable than us. From the outside they look that way and we know ourselves from the inside with all our quirks, insecurities and concerns.

These are normal feelings which often become even stronger once we become mothers. As we strive to do the best we can for our children it is so easy to think that we are not doing well enough.

Motherhood is such a wonderful yet intense time where there are so many demands and contradictory feelings many of which are not generally talked about.

There are plenty of discussions out there but a lot of them centre around the practicalities or the differences in approach rather than what it is really like to be a mum, warts and all. However, the reality is that what we have in common as mums is so much more than what separates us.

What we have in common is much more than what separates us #motherhood Click To Tweet

The Power of Honesty

I am a firm believer in the power of honesty. On a personal level, when we are honest with ourselves by acknowledging our thoughts and feelings, we allow ourselves to process those things, learn and move on.

Beyond the personal though, there is also being open and honest to other people about our feelings and experiences. When we do that, without even knowing it, we change things. We make the world a better place by acknowledging our humanity and sharing that with others. It helps those listening (or reading) to acknowledge theirs and be okay with it.

This is never more the case than with motherhood. As mothers one of the ways that we can best help other mums is to be honest.

The best way to help another mother is to be open and honest about the whole experience of motherhood Click To Tweet

When we share the ups and downs, the highs and lows and all the emotional contradictions we let them know that they are not alone in experiencing mixed feelings and challenging times. We let them know that there is not a right way to be a mother and that not every mother has it sorted. We counteract the unrealistic demands that many of us put ourselves under in an attempt to do the best for our children and we ward off the idea that the highlight reel of peoples lives on social media is all that there is.

By sharing the breadth and depth of motherhood we are doing something very special. We can see relief on another mums face. ‘I thought that was only me’ has been something I have heard so many times. And in those special moments we get something else back, we get to feel that shared connection of motherhood.

To those Changing The Face of Motherhood

There are times when it is not appropriate to share and we all have our own way of doing it. But today I am dedicating this post to all the honest mums out there (many of them bloggers) who are changing the face of motherhood each time they share. Well done and thank you.

Pass this post on to all the mothers you know who are open and honest when they can be, to let them know that they are doing something important.

How do you feel about the ideas in this post? Has someones honesty helped you? Or do you go out of your way to share the experience of Motherhood? I would love to hear from you. I reply to all comments.

So what is next?

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108 thoughts on “Are you honest? Changing the face of Motherhood

  1. I agree with your sentiments Kirsten, honesty starts with ourselves and that is a tough thing at times! Once you feel comfortable with your own truth, warts n all, then you’re in a good place to share it with others. This honest sharing is immeasurable valuable and allows others to recognise and articulate their own truth. Thank you for this thought provoking post, I will be sharing it on my Facebook page at mummy2mum.
    Lisa recently posted…Digging Deep To Find Determination When The Going Gets ToughMy Profile

    1. Thank you Lisa. I will pop over to your face book page soon. I wish I had used your word ‘immeasurable’ when it comes to honest sharing because that is what it is. I am glad you agree. Kirsten

    1. I totally agree. The phrase ‘warts and all’ means to me everything, the good too. A bias in either direction is not good. It is just that the good things are more readily talked about and presented to us particularly with social media that tends to show the highlights of others lives. Thanks for your comment. Kirsten

      1. See, I don’t really agree with the comment about most stories about motherhood being positive. In my experience many mothers, bloggers and parenting sites emphasise the negative and critisize anyone who is positive for “sugar-coating” motherhood. I’ve absolutely adored the first year with my baby and often feel I have to tone my enthusiasm down. I totally agree though that mothers should share the warts and the rainbows. Thanks for sharing #fromtheheart
        Julie Dutra recently posted…Advice from the heart #7 – 29/09/2015My Profile

        1. Hi Julie, Mothers shouldn’t be criticised from expressing any of their experience of motherhood. Talking about our love for our children is just as important as talking about the tough days. I actually prefer your phrase ‘warts and the rainbows’ because it expresses better than ‘warts and all’ the breadth of experience we have with our children. Thank you for sharing your opinion and adding to this conversation. Kirsten

  2. I think it’s really important to be honest about parenthood. You’re told it’s going to be hard and it bloody is but people don’t always share how hard. When you’re in the thick of it, you want to know that it’s not just you. It helps keep you sane. When I was struggling after having my second, a friend pointed me in the direction of the Unmumsy Mum’s blog and reading her posts was a revelation. Even friends sometimes aren’t that honest and it was amazing to read not just her posts but the comments of all the other mums who felt the same way. It made me laugh, something I wasn’t doing very much of, and it made me feel better.

    1. Hi Alex, I think that many bloggers do a great job of being honest. Thinking about what you are saying, I wonder if it is easier to be honest in a post than face to face with someone or wether blogging just attracts those who know that they have something important to share. I am so glad to hear Unmumsy Mum had such a good effect on you. Thanks for your thought provoking comment. Kirsten

  3. I love that! When my oldest was diagnosed with Autism it was hard for me to connect to other moms, whether they had children on the spectrum or not. It wasn’t until he started kindergarten that another mother reached out to me. Her middle son and my oldest were classmates and she had an older son who had Autism. It felt great to finally not feel alone with my thoughts and feelings as she shared hers with me. We are still friends to this day. She is someone I have come to greatly admire and now I reach out to other mothers and try to help them through my own story. Great post as usual Kirsten! Thanks for sharing!
    Michelle recently posted…5 Ways My Autistic Son is a typical TeenagerMy Profile

    1. Hi Michelle. I have just welled up whilst reading your comment. Hearing about that Mum to Mum connection being made when you really needed it is wonderful. It is amazing what a bit of openness can do. Thanks for telling me about your friend. Kirsten

    1. Hi Anita, I agree to a certain extent. It can be good at times to log things that other mothers have said who are going through a phase you haven’t reached yet. But like you said, as in your example, a soon to be mum may grasp very little of both the highs and lows of parenting because they are not there yet. My assumptions on some aspects of motherhood before I had children were so far off that it is laughable now. I guess there is a time when we can receive peoples honesty to understand what they mean. Thanks for your though provoking comment. Kirsten

    1. Hi Tracey, I am glad you think so and can see the point I am making. It is a great thing to connect with people and in doing so help create a deeper understanding and acceptance. Thanks for your comment. It is appreciated. Kirsten

  4. All too often people want to give others the impression that they’re coping well, they’re doing well in life and no worries or struggles, but quite often that’s not the case. Honesty is so important in order to get the right support from those around us. Thanks for linking up to the #BinkyLinky
    Emily recently posted…Binky LinkyMy Profile

    1. Hi Emily, I don’t know why we are so hung up on coping well. It is as if we think success is to always have things under control but we hide essential parts of what it is to be human when that is all we will accept. Your comment has really been thought provoking, I shall ponder this some more-just what I like! Thanks. Kirsten

    1. Hi Min, I think it is human nature but it is what we do with the comparison that counts. If we allow it to diminish us then it is not ideal but if we use it to learn then it is okay. It really is worth remembering that what we are comparing is our inner world with someone elses outer presentation of themselves. When we know that it is easier not to assume that is all there is. Thanks for your comment. It is great to hear from you. Kirsten

    1. Hi Victoria, I agree wholeheartedly. Honesty is only okay in an accepting environment where others are open. Quite a few mothers I have interviewed and (many others I have met) have spoken of groups where it is about being seen to do the right thing rather than honesty. Most of those mums have moved on to find something more supportive. Thanks for your comment and hosting your great linky. Kirsten

    1. I am so glad to hear that you have found an honest group of mums because it can make the world of difference. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Kirsten

  5. Hi Kristen,
    I really enjoyed this post and thought you made a very strong case. I recently started blogging because I couldn’t for the life of me find pregnancy-related blogs that didn’t make me feel patronised, bored or inadequate. The more I get into blogging, the more I’m realising that there are some amazingly frank and honest blogs out there. Sadly they are just much harder to find. But posts like this are great encouragement. Look forward to reading more from you.
    Thank you.
    The Crazy Stork Lady |
    The Crazy Stork Lady recently posted…Why tidy people scare meMy Profile

    1. Hi Crazy Stork Lady. I found something very similar when I became a Mum. There was nothing that addressed the real issues of motherhood. I had been concerned about how to change a nappy and cope with all the baby stuff but soon discovered that it was all the conflicting feelings and emotional demands that were challenging. Thank you very much for your comment. I will pop over to your site when I can and have a read. Kirsten

  6. I love this quote – I think it really makes us realise that we’re going through the same things. I love being honest about motherhood – it makes it so much easier to have a rough day when you can say to the people around you “this is so hard!” Thanks for sharing on #candidcuddles
    Becky (@attwtwo) recently posted…This Too Shall PassMy Profile

    1. Hi Becky, you are so right. It is not just a relief to hear others speak the truth but it is a relief to speak it, or more a release. We work so hard as mums and of course we love our children but it is so good to be honest and say that it has been a tough day or week!! Thanks for bringing your perspective to this conversation. Kirsten

  7. It is with posts like this that give us mothers the courage to speak up about our ups and downs. I try to be honest through my blog and I have been very honest with the school mums I know and in turn I find they are honest with me and this helps us bond. So glad you took the time to share this with my readers, I will be sharing this post for sure! #mummyandus
    Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…say what??? #mummy & usMy Profile

    1. Thank you Mackenzie. You do a great job of showing the many aspects of motherhood through your blog and you are certainly one of the bloggers that I am referring to and have dedicated this post to. Your work is of great value and is appreciated. Kirsten

    1. Hi Fionnuala, I think balance is everything. Representing motherhood honestly is about sharing the highs and lows and everything in between rather than just the negatives. Thanks for visiting. Kirsten

  8. Very good points. I am always telling people not to compare themselves to what other people present on social media, as I think that is rarely accurate. So many people use social media to paint a very selective perfect picture of their lives, and it is not good for other people to hold themselves up to that (& actually I doubt it is that good for the people doing it either – how much are you missing out on while you are busy creating a fake picture of what you think your life should be?) #mummymonday
    Silly Mummy recently posted…Knock KnockMy Profile

    1. Hi ?silly Mummy, I had really not thought of social media being detrimental from the point of the person doing it, only from the point of the false image it gives others. I certainly think that if it is being used as a smoke screen then it may not be good. Thank you for your thought provoking comment. I have some great food for thought now. Kirsten

  9. This is lovely! 🙂 The danger is that whilst many mums, dads and carers are sensible and realise that we’re all on a different parenting journey and that’s okay as every family is unique, there are the others … The ones that will turn up and fearless berate you for making different choices to them. Sometimes being brave and honest is hard. But we’ve got a start somewhere being the change we want to see!


    1. Hi Mrs Tubbs, I agree, it is not easy and I have to say that there are times and places for it. We should not put ourselves in a situation that will be detrimental to us.

      There are times when I have been struggling and kept my mouth shut, either because I was not in a safe environment or because I actually needed a break from feeling bad. For me personally I have gained confidence and flexibility as I have had more experience of being a mother. I could hold my own more now than when I was sleep deprived with a baby.

      As much as anything I want mothers to know that they are having a big impact when they are honest and to value themselves for that.

      Thanks for reading. Kirsten

  10. What a great post. I read somewhere recently that ‘all of us Mums are hot messes, it’s just that some hide it better than others’. I vowed to bear that in mind when I was next with a Mum of a little one like mine, but no, I came away thinking that I was definitely more of a ‘hot mess’ than she was!

    Lovely to find your blog, I’ll be sharing your post! x #mummymonday
    rebecca recently posted…A relaxing weekend awayMy Profile

    1. Thank you Rebecca. It is lovely to have you visit. Just leave room for a little doubt in there. She may even be more of a hot mess than you and actually who cares anyway, we are all just muddling through in our own way. What matters is that you work out your own way to be the mum that is right for your children and you. Kirsten

    1. Hi Becky, Honesty is so great to hear isn’t it? What you do in sharing with others moms is wonderful and will have had an important impact on your readers lives. Kirsten

  11. I think it’s SO important to be honest about Motherhood for the reasons you mentioned. I actually have a category on my blog titled ‘The big, the bad and the ugly’ and this is where readers will find my most honest posts. I do try to write them a little tongue in cheek as I don’t want people to think I hate my kids and who doesn’t love a bit of humour, but behind the humour I’m just saying it like it is. The whole purpose of me writing my blog is to let other parents know that they’re not alone.

    Visiting from #anythinggoes
    Unhinged Mummy (aka Janine Woods) recently posted…Positivity In Pictures #17My Profile

    1. Hi Janine, What you do is what I love about blogging. Allowing others to know they are not alone is such a valuable thing to do and so this post is dedicated to you because honesty does change the face of motherhood. Kirsten

    1. Hi Carisa, I am so glad to hear that you have this kind of honesty around you. It helps massively because the demands on mothers today are so unrealistic. Thank you very much for visiting The Guilt Free Guide to Motherhood. Kirsten

  12. Totally agree. If it wasn’t for the women in my NCT group going through the same things and is all being honest and sharing info I would have felt like a total failure as a mother from very early on. Too many other ppl gave me judgemental advice and one day when I admitted that breastfeeding was hard in the early days because of the exhaustion and frequency of feeds plus the strain on your body I was greeted with “I don’t know how you can say that – breastfeeding is the easiest thing in the world and you shouldn’t be doing it more than every 4 hours”…. Total nonsense! #anythinggoes
    Arthurwears recently posted…When you’re trying to tidy up and…My Profile

    1. Statements like that can really knock your confidence in the early days. It is nonsense. Breast feeding is easier for some than others but there is no one size fits all experience. I am glad you realised the advice was at fault and not you and that you have great supportive friends. Thanks for sharing your experiences. It is lovely to hear from you. Kirsten

    1. Hi Karen You have hit the nail on the head there. We can feel quite alone being a mother and honesty is wonderful in helping alleviate that. Thank you for your perceptive comment. Kirsten

  13. Fab post Kirsten – definitely agree that it is important to be honest about motherhood and the challenges it brings, particularly when it often seems that social media is full of everyone else having a perfect life. I have to remind myself often that people will tend to show their highlights more than their realities and that no-one is perfect. Sharing those struggles can really help sometimes. #twinklytuesday
    Louise (Little Hearts, Big Love) recently posted…Trusting the medical team and the uncertainty of changeMy Profile

    1. Thank you Louise. It is important to remind ourselves as we are all prone. I can see a facebook page of a friend and easily think that they do more with their children than I do but actually on reflection we do what is right for us (and we constantly forget to photograph any of it!! so we couldn’t anyway). Kirsten

  14. Great post! I’ve always prided myself on being brutally honest in my blog, because I don’t see the point in sugar-coating things. I started my blog as a way for other young parents and young-parents-to-be to see that they aren’t alone – so to lie and pretend that there’s never a bad day would be disingenuous. I really think the more honest and open we are about motherhood, the better it will be for everyone.

    Fantastic post! #twinklytuesday
    The Speed Bump recently posted…Drowning In DroolMy Profile

  15. Loads of great points in this article. I do agree with them all, and in the really tired days I stopped being honest after awhile of being vulnerable only to be smacked down by some self righteous mother’s who thought they’d make themselves feel better, sometimes you give people ammunition by being really open and raw, you do have to be careful and wise who you share your honesty with. Self protection is important too especially if you’re suffering, as I did, with Post Natal Anxiety. I shared recently with my sister some honest downsides to parenting and she said quietly ‘no-one ever tells you the good bits, you know the joy?!’ I realised it is all about balance when sharing with new parents, being honest AND encouraging at the same time, I think is key. Linking up from #TwinklyTuesday
    Lizzie Roles recently posted…I ‘see’ you and I raise you one tantrumMy Profile

    1. Hi Lizzie, I completely agree. It is about balance and that is why I talked about sharing all of it. Sharing in a safe way is important too and to be honest there are times when it is not appropriate because we are feeling too vulnerable or because we are not in safe company. You absolutely should not share in a judgmental environment and I am glad you stopped (although sorry it was like that in the first place). This post is not about sharing everything no matter what but rather about acknowledging the power of honesty to help others when we can do it. Honesty can be about the love too. Thank you so much for adding your thoughts to this conversation. Kirsten

  16. I think honesty is really very important, but at the same time I think we need to be mindful that we don’t only focus on being honest about the negative aspects of parenting. Parenting is both challenging and wonderful, so we need to be talking about both aspects openly xxx #TwinklyTuesday

    1. Hi Kerry, I absolutely agree. Sharing the wonderful things is just as important and there are many. Thanks for commenting. Kirsten

  17. Yes I’m definitely honest on motherhood as we are all in it together. I always smile at others mums and don’t stare if a child is having a tantrum. I love reading mummy blogs as it makes me feel normal! #twinkletuesday

    1. Blogs are great for that. It is a relief to know that it is not just us struggling with whatever stage our kids are at. It is great to have you visit Jeni. Thanks. Kirsten

  18. Yes, yes, YES! Honesty is so important. Funnily enough I’ve been talking about that today in a meeting with a fellow mum and very inspiring lady. Women, in particular are bombarded with images of perfection all over the place and consistently told how we should ‘be’ which is why I think it’s always important to be as ‘real’ and authentic as possible.

    Motherhood is wonderful, life changing and all-consuming, but as we all know, it’s also tiring, tricky and frequently fraught with problems! Just knowing other people have been where we are or are struggling with things too, always helps. Great post Kirsten.


    Katie / Pouting In Heels recently posted…MONK BRETTON PRIORY (EXPLORING & FINDING TREASURES)My Profile

    1. Thank you Katie for your emphatic comment. I am glad you agree. If we were to attempt to jump through all the hoops required of us we would all go mad and in fact it is impossible isn’t it! However to know we are not alone in failing to live up to impossible targets helps enormously. It then allows us to stop trying and work out our own way to do it. Great to have you visiting The Guilt Free Guide. Kirsten

  19. I think it is best policy to be honest no matter what the situation. I am quite a strong character – and a practical one – but even I got swept up in the need to be a “perfect mum” as per the text books. The best bit of advice I would give to any new mum is do not put too much pressure on yourself, and rip up those bloody books! You will find your way through it. And, there are plenty of people around – who’s opinion you trusted before birth so should still be OK now – to ask for help. Great article. #MyFavouritePost
    Harry’s Honest Mummy recently posted…Snapshot(s) of the Week – #11My Profile

    1. Hi Harry’s Honest Mummy, I found that books were lacking too. They spoke of techniques rather than about motherhood, as if there is a right way to do things. That is what inspired me to write my own book (a work in progress) but about motherhood not babies, after all we are a huge part of the equation. Your advice is great and what every mother needs to hear. It is easy to have the pressure creep up onus and not realise it. thank for your comment. Kirsten

  20. Being honest with ourselves is easier said than done isn’t it? Sometimes we tell ourselves little white lies to make ourselves feel better! I’ve always been honest in my approach to parenting though. I get a little exasperated by people who are negative and paint a blacker picture of motherhood than I’ve experienced. I must say, I’ve had a ball to be honest!!! Thanks for linking up with us at #TwinklyTuesday
    Caro | The Twinkles Mama recently posted…133 weeks and 6 days | A night at the MADS Awards 2015My Profile

    1. Hi Caro, honesty with ourselves is the toughest part. Until we admit it to ourselves then we can’t be honest about it elsewhere. I am really glad you have had a ball. For me the biggest surprise was how much love I felt and how much fun it was. However it has not all been like that and there is such a wide range of experience that I believe all our voices are valid. thanks for sharing. Kirsten

  21. When I first became a mum I felt my own mother knew better than me. However, looking into my daughters eyes I know she has only eyes for me and I am reassured by her. I wanted to get all the advice I could from people but now after time, repetition and love we find ourselves being the ones who are happy to pass on information and advice if sought. We are all in the same boat trying to figure it out and honesty plays a big part in it all.
    Helena recently posted…Keeping Tiny Toes WarmMy Profile

    1. Hi Helena, What a beautiful comment you have written. It is great when we pass through the ranks and realise that we have moved from being new and knowing little to where we can listen and support others through our own experiences. Thank you for such touching words. Kirsten

      1. Awww thank you for replying and saying that. I’m just being myself and telling things how I see them. For me I feel there are a number of graduation ceremonies so to speak – whether that be going up a size in clothes, a line in terms of weight as well as passing on information. I look forward to the future but cherish every present moment.
        Helena recently posted…Keeping Tiny Toes WarmMy Profile

  22. This is a wonderful post – I completely agree, mums should feel free to be honest about everything that happens during pregnancy. I find a lot of guilt and bad feeling can come about by thinking that you are the only person that struggles with a specific thing or deals with something in a particular way.

    You’ve really inspired me to show a bit more about motherhood on my blog, and not just skim over the surface and show the happy bits.

    Emma recently posted…The First Seven MonthsMy Profile

    1. Hi Emma, I am really glad that this has inspired you. there are such high expectations placed on us as mothers and it is not easy when we feel we are failing. Tis is where other women help by being honest about the tough bits. The good stuff is still very valid too, I have to say. thanks for your comment and lovely tweet. It isa appreciated. Kirsten

    1. Hi Talya, You were in my thoughts when writing it and are certainly one of the bloggers it is dedicated to. Thank you for sharing the posy. Kirsten

    1. Hi Meredith. I am glad that you share all sides of motherhood. It is a tough one when people can be judgmental and so I do only recommend doing it when it is personally okay and safe enough. It truly is wonderful to connect with another mother and get that understanding of a shared experience. Kirsten

  23. I sometimes think if all mothers were bloggers the world would be a better place! I can honestly say since building relationships in cyberspace I have benefited from more honest opinion in 6 months than in the first 2.5 years of my little boys life. As a result I am a lot more relaxed about motherhood and parenting. I hope that I pass this on outside of the blogging community to my friends who have families or have yet to step on the rollercoaster. Lovely inspiring post as ever thank you for making us think 🙂 #momsterslink xx
    Mudpie Fridays recently posted…RHS WisleyMy Profile

    1. I am thrilled to hear that the blogging community has had such a great impact on how you feel as a mother. It is a great place that is pretty open which is all good. It is also great that you can hand this on by sharing your experiences and being an honest mum for others. Kirsten

  24. Perfect! I can’t believe how many times during my pregnancy and early experiences of motherhood I said, ‘No one told me about THAT!’ I know that people were trying to protect me but I think at times I felt like something was wrong with me. I’m now completely open, I won’t offer up anything gross or difficult without an invite but if you ask me, the gloves are off 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing #fromtheheart

    1. You have got it in one Charlene. Like you I don’t share the tough stuff without an invite but when I do I am honest. I remember when I had my son, some mums uninvited would say ‘You just wait till..’ and then proceed to tell me the horrors of the next stage with a baby and it would scare me because I was already exhausted. None of it transpired in the way I expected of course, each stage had its ups and downs and none were as bad as those few mums expressed. I promised myself never to do that. Thanks for your perceptive comment. Kirsten

  25. There are summary fans to Motherhood aren’t there, and we really need to be honest and understanding with each other and accepting of each other’s choices. There is far to much judgement, and it’s really not necessary. Thanks for linking up with #myfavouritepost
    Zena’s Suitcase recently posted…My Weekly PhotoMy Profile

    1. Hi Zena, If we accept that we all have a lot in common, namely we love our children and are trying our best, it removes this attention on the differences. Which would be a relief to us all wouldn’t it! Thanks for commenting and hosting. Kirsten

    1. Thank you Tiffany. I agree and I love the word ‘bond’ that you used, because it is so appropriate to motherhood. The shared experience and love of our children really can be a bond when we put down our differences. Kirsten

  26. When I first started my blog I wasn’t even sure what I was going to blog about but I knew that part of it was going to be motherhood. And somewhere in there I decided that when I blogged about motherhood it wasn’t always going to be how wonderful it is…cause let’s face it there are times that just aren’t so wonderful. This is a post I can totally relate to …being a blogger…but especially a mom. Thank you for sharing it with #momsterslink.
    Trista recently posted…~Foodpornthursdays #22 October 8, 2015~My Profile

    1. It is so great where we can be honest with each other and it really does change the face of motherhood when we can share the range of emotions we feel without feeling guilty. You deserve to pat yourself on the back for your honesty. It is of great value. Kirsten

    1. Thanks Anita. The word competitive and parenting seem so alien to each other but there is that side to it and it is great when we can step away from it and see our children (and ourselves) for who we are, regardless of others. Kirsten

  27. Beautiful post! I’ve now read a few of yours and love your outlooks on everything. Truthful, but not harsh! I will be scheduling this piece to post on the public #mommitment fb page and will tag you in it! This truly goes along with what we believe in. I cannot wait to read more from you! ~Anna

    1. Thank you Anna. I apologise for not getting back to you sooner. My son has been ill and so I have stopped blogging for a while. I will be back after Christmas however. Kirsten

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