An alien from outer space who read our headlines and dipped into a lot of the literature on raising a child would be forgiven for thinking that good parenting is about fulfilling certain tasks in certain ways (be it breastfeeding, home-cooking) or mastering particular techniques. While there is nothing wrong with deciding what tasks are important and what techniques we might want to use with our children, the amount of attention placed on these things can easily lead us to forget that what is important is the underlying relationship that we have with our child. How we connect with our children, and they with us, is of prime importance, more so than any technique. We all know this, but it is good to remind ourselves of it every now and then.
At whatever age, when our children feel connected to us and supported by us it strengthens not only the bond that they have with us but their feelings about themselves too. It promotes their feelings of safety in the world and their understanding of themselves. The principals of being a good mother (or father) are all based around strengthening that all-important connection with our child. The bad news is that this means there are no set techniques that will work for everyone because all parents differ and so do their children. But the great news is that we are freed up from trying to find the ‘right’ way to raise a child and can instead focus on navigating our relationship with our children, working out, as we go along, what forges a greater closeness and understanding between us.
The relationship we have with our child is more important than any technique or task. Click To TweetWhen I talk about a relationship here, I am talking about a two-way thing. As parents we need to find ways that work for ourselves too because how we feel is an important part of the equation. For example, one mother I interviewed for my book spoke of how she was attempting to cook all her baby’s food from scratch because she wanted to be a ‘good’ mother. But for her, the upshot of this was an increasing loneliness because of the amount of time she was spending at home alone (for this and other reasons). Looked at in isolation we might say it is better for children to have home-cooked food (nutritionally speaking), which I would agree with. But when looked at in the context of this relationship, it was not good for the mother concerned and consequently not for her baby either. By reducing the cooking and taking other steps to deal with the amount of time she spent alone, this mum started to feel better and, as a knock on effect, it was better for her baby too. Mum was happier and so the relationship with her child improved.
When we take everything back to the relationship that we have with our child and include ourselves as parents in that equation, it is much easier to see that there are many ways to be a good mother/father/parent.
There is not one right way to raise a child because we all differ in what we need and feel. What is right for one family is not for another. To illustrate, I found weaning with my first son a pleasure. I don’t particularly enjoy the day-to-day cooking required for family life but I do love the creative element of preparing something new. The combination of me enjoying experimenting with various foods and my son loving all food, made it a good thing for our relationship.
I was lucky that I had a child who loved eating and for me personally there was a pleasure in it, so this aspect of what is considered ‘good’ for a child worked out for us and our relationship. However, the mother I mentioned above also made decisions based on what was best for her relationship with her child. It was a good choice and it benefited both of them.
So is there something that makes a good mother? Well if there is then it is not a technique or a particular task. It is about being present with our children, recognising and responding to their feelings, including our own, and learning as we go along.
I hope you enjoyed this post. I would love to hear your point of view and am more than happy to answer any questions. I reply to all comments.
So what is next?
If you liked this article then you may also like:
- The Art Of Motherhood
- Why So Much Guilt – Guilt And Motherhood Part 1
- Dealing With Guilt – Guilt And Motherhood Part 2
And finally, click on the button below to keep up to date with the latest articles and offers from The Guilt-Free Guide AND receive your FREE guided visualisation ‘Mother Moments’ especially designed to give you some time for you to focus on yourself.
I like the learning as you go comment. There can be no one manual for this one as each child and parent is different and we all have to feel that connection for ourselves as we go. #SharewithMe
Fiona Cambouropoulos recently posted…MilkShake Fabulous Friends on DVD
I love it, Fiona. ‘Feel the connection’ – you have it in one, well three words. Very, very true. Thanks for your inspiring comment.
I couldn’t agree more. In my eyes a good mother is someone who does what is right for her children, I think if you can do that, you can’t go wrong. #sharewithme
five little doves recently posted…Christmas gift ideas for young children
It is the best approach to consider both them and ourselves. Thanks for commenting. Laura.
Great post. I always bleat on about how guilt is a futile emotion that leads to nothing but ill feeling, hard to practice sometimes but I think we need to be aware of how guilt just leads to self – loathing. #ablogginggoodtime
Rach recently posted…Money Talks
I see guilt as a natural emotion but one that we need to keep an eye on because it can become a real drain on us. It does have its uses, to make us realise when we have done something that is less than ideal but many of us experience it because we are not perfect or we have just made one choice over another. This is when we need to catch it and give ourselves a break. Thanks for your thought provoking comment, Rach.
We put so much pressure on ourselves to be the bets parent possible. Yet there is no perfection anywhere! #ablogginggoodtime
I very much agree. If we seek perfection than we will always be disappointed. Thanks for commenting.
I love how you put in words the essence of being a mother. That it’s about being present, recognizing and responding and learning along! I couldn’t of said it better! Beautiful post. #coolmumclub
Thank you, Chilli. that is really lovely of you to say. I do appreciate it.
I think what makes a good mother is really what you said – about being present and providing them with the happiness and memories to give them the security to flourish as they evolve into the next version of themselves. Some wonderful food for thought here and thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub x
Thank you, Talya. Your support is appreciated. Being present with our children helps them understand and value themselves.
I always love reading your posts Kristen as the way you write has such a calming, mindful influence on my feelings. I totally agree with you of course that it isn’t the mothering tasks that are important it is the relationship we have with our children. Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime
Catie recently posted…#a blogging good time #28
Thank you, Catie. As a counsellor I am glad to hear that I have that effect. I know I do with clients but it is nice to hear that it comes through in my writing. Thank you for commenting.
Fantastic article. These ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ ways to do things can get overwhelming, it’s reassuring to be reminded we don’t have to tick some imaginary boxes to be good parents. Thank you for writing and sharing this xxx #coolmumclub
I do agree, Claire. It is so easy to get swept along with all the other ideas out there. Thank very much for commenting.
Awww I love this! So true… a connection with your child is so much more imprint that undertaking media tasks that will eventually take up all of the time you could be better spending actually ‘being’ with your child. Engaging with them. <3 #coolmumclub
Rebecca recently posted…Rockin’ around this Mamas tree; Christmas songs: Love them or loathe them?
Very much agreed, Rebecca. Thanks for commenting.
What a wonderful post. I’m a big believer that there is no one size fits all. My 2 kids are VERY different so as a result we actually have to work differently with each of them. If I parented both them the exact same way I’d end up a mad woman!
Bee | http://www.betterthanbusy.com recently posted…Yearly reflection – what have you learned this year?
You make a really good point. We have to parent our sons very differently too and actually we change as parents as we continue on our journey so no child could get the same anyway. Thanks for your thought provoking comment.
Returning from #picknmix x
five little doves recently posted…Christmas gift guide for women
Thank you
I agree. So much you hear about parenting is about people feeling guilty, or rubbish at being a parent, but if people just worked things out and did things that work for them, they’d be a lot happier. #blogginggoodtime
There isn’t a perfect way, is there Emma. Thanks for commenting.
I like to think everyone is a good mother in some shape or form. Having been called a bad mum by a nearest and dearest before Ben had even been born was shocking to me.
I personally think I’m a brilliant mum. I know I barely go out during the week with him but due to my PND I’ve become a bit of a recluse unless I have someone with me to make me feel less panicky. I’m so worried someone would try to hurt me or ben and being alone outside I freak out at the idea of him crying through fear.
Other than that my child has an amazing appetite, loves toys and music, refuses to sit and prefers to stand and bounce and sleeps through from between 5-8pm to 8-10am (some say that’s too much sleep but I apparently slept ridiculous amounts)
Us mums are just doing the best we can I guess! #sharewithme
Hi Lianne, Having pnd adds an extra layer of difficulty to being a mother but it doesn’t meant that you can’t give your child the all important relationship they need. We all learn as we go along and actually we can’t do any more than be open to learning. I am sorry to hear that you have had criticism from people close to you but glad to hear that you know what you are doing well at. that is very important.
Aww thank you for your kind response. Makes me feel better that someone else agrees with my thinking! #MMBC
I am glad it was well received. There is nothing like sharing experiences and finding those who either understand or who have experienced something similar.
I definitely agree. I would much rather be spending time with my children than cooking fancy foods or doing things that may benefit them rather than doing the one thing that actually will benefit them such as playing and cuddling.
#picknmix
Amie recently posted…A Christmas Fit For A Princess
Glad to hear it Amie. Our time is one of the best resources for our children.
I love your conclusion about what makes a good mother. It has nothing to do with breastfeeding/weaning/what activities you take them to – it’s about being there for them and responding to their needs. #bigpinklink
Squirmy Popple recently posted…Are dads funnier than mums?
“It has nothing to do with breastfeeding/weaning/what activities you take them to – it’s about being there for them and responding to their needs.” Yes to all of your comment. It is too easy to lose sight of in the pressure and pushing of techniques. Thanks for your kind words and commenting. It is appreciated, Katie.
How very true, we get so hung up on what we think makes a good mother that sometimes we invest our energy in the wrong areas. I have always believed your time and attention is the best thing you can give your kids. xx #mg
Time is really want they want and need isn’t it. I think we can all easily get lost in the tasks of raising children and forget that. Thanks for your insightful comment. Kirsten
This is a great post. I have to admit, I have always seen myself as a “good” mother because I respond to my baby’s needs – be that feeding him to sleep, co-sleeping or picking him up when he cries (and not apologising for doing so!) – but there are many articles out there that would say this is all wrong! I have faith in myself to know what my baby needs, and I know that any subsequent babies we have could very well have different needs – and I will respond to those in a different way, but I know I will still be a good mum. #MarvMondays
It is really great to here that you are responding to what your child is telling you and not being swayed by those who think it is wrong. Thanks for commenting, Abi.
You’re so right here! There is so much parental (especially mother) judgement that it’s easy to start judging yourself on everything. It’s exactly like the SAHM vs working v part-time working Mum debate. You need to do what is best for your entire family; not just your child or your other half. #MarvMondays
Angela Watling recently posted…30 Days Blogging – Day 12: If I could move anywhere…
I so agree. It is a balancing act. Thanks so much for commenting.
Parenting certainly isn’t easy and it’s also easy to be hard on ourselves and feel guilty for having bad days and becoming the shouty parent, the lazy parent etc and feeling like we have to compete. Thanks for joining us for #marvmondays
Fran Back With a Bump recently posted…Marvellous Festive Mondays
Certainly not easy but, like you infer, accepting that we all have bad days and are not perfect is a good thing. Thanks for commenting, Fran.
Great advice. I agree that if mum is happy and content that this will rub off on the child and also that it’s about the relationship you have together rather than mastering being “brilliant” at certain aspects of parenting. Thanks for sharing. #BigPinkLink
Cheryl @ Tea or Wine recently posted…Bah Humbug! 9 Reasons This Season Sends me Crackers
Parenting is a system of relationships and it makes a big difference if everyone is as happy as possible, it helps. Thanks for your kind words, Cheryl.
I totally agree with you that every family is different and you’ve just got to do what works for you. I think being a good mother just means following your instincts and like you said, there’s no manual. We’ve just got to do the best that we can and give it all we’ve got.
#mg
Janine (Unhinged Mummy) recently posted…Needing Clarification
I have at times longed for a manual but then it would not work because there are no set answers are there. Like you said, giving it all we have got is the best we can do. Thanks for commenting, Janine.
“There is not one right way to raise a child.” That is so true; so long as there’s love, everything else is subjective. #MMBC
S.L.O.A.H. recently posted…Beginning to Look Like Christmas
I think there is a tendency to like simple one size fits all answers but there aren’t any. Much agreed. Thanks for commenting.
I think it def. depends on the mother. Mine spent so much time taking care of us she never had time to take care of herself and honestly I feel like if she’d spent a little more time on just being a woman maybe she’d be happier today and maybe we’d be a lil less scary crazy lol. Kudo’s to the women who can do it all, and to the mothers who do the best they can. It’s difficult as hell being a mom and I love mine for all that she’s done for me because I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for her.
It really is not an easy job. It is a balancing act and there is no perfection, we just learn as we go along. I agree, our mothers help shape us (with many other influences) and whilst not being perfect they are an important part of our lives. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Kirsten
I always tell new mum friends they know best, because I really feel that. Thanks for linking to #sharewithme
Mummy Fever recently posted…Festive Fun in Barton Square: Manchester
We do need to give ourselves credit for being the one’s on the ground whilst also being open learning. Thanks for commenting, Charlotte.
Recently life events have led me to start putting the guilt to bed and appreciate the fact that I can and am there for them! Thanks for linking to #PickNMix
Eilidh
That is really good, Elidh. Sometimes it takes life events to make us see things differently. Thanks for commenting. Kirsten
Being present is so true – that’s the most important thing #picknmix
Crummy Mummy recently posted…‘She projectile vomited all over the donkey’
Very much agreed. Thanks for commenting.
I felt like I wasn’t a good mum when Aspen was born, she cried so much, wouldn’t sleep and my breast milk was so inadequate that I had to top her up with formal after every feed. I was angry that my breasts and body were failing her when I loved her beyond what I ever believed was possible.
She is now 12 and she adores me as I do her, we are so close, and I wish I could go back and tell myself that having to offer formula for her to survive was not going to impact her bond with me or how healthy she would be. She is smart, funny and loving and our connection did that, not what I fed or didn’t feed her.
Fab post as always xx #mg
Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…she was just so lovely standing there #mg
Thanks for sharing your experience with your daughter, Mackenzie. I think all of us wish we could go back and tell ourselves not to worry about the details of it and understand the bigger picture. You did exactly what you needed to do to feed your daughter and it is so lovely to hear how you have a great connection with her. That is what children need.
So very true Kirsten. I think we are all constantly learning as we go along. Everybody is different and has different needs, as long as we do our best and love and support our kiddies then we are winning 🙂
Thanks so much for linking up to #MMBC. Hope you can make it tomorrow x
There really is so much learning involved. It is an ever evolving process. Thanks for commenting, Jayne.
This was so refreshing to read, far to often we find ourselves doubting our ability as parents but actually like you say theres no right or wrong way to be a good mother, we’re all different as are our children so they’re needs and theirs will always differ from one family to another. Thank you for sharing with #bigpinklink x
Hannah G, The ‘Ordinary’ Mum recently posted…Weekend Tot Style #12
I am really glad this struck a cord with you, Hannah. We have to find our own path and at times it can feel like a bit of a maze. Thanks for commenting.
I always think we’re the perfect mothers for our children because we’re theirs, no-one else is, if that makes sense! #twinklytuesday
Crummy Mummy recently posted…What’s the best time of year to get pregnant?
That really does make sense, Natalie. It is a perspective I have not thought of before. thanks for adding to this conversation.